


Timezones and Tricky Translations

by ilien



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: But That's Not the Point, F/M, JJ has everyone's numbers, M/M, Texting, Underage Drinking, a lot of swearing, and he's not afraid to use them, but nothing happens on-screen, discussion of Dubious Consent, everyone has a crush on Katsuki, friendship in development
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 22:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11114595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilien/pseuds/ilien
Summary: JJ gets a lot of texts from Yuri Plisetsky. He's aware that the ones that aren’t “Fuck you!” are actually meant for Otabek, but he answers them, anyway.





	Timezones and Tricky Translations

**Author's Note:**

> Some explanations for the Russian things can be found in the end notes. Also, see end notes if you need details on the potentially triggering content.
> 
> Huge thanks to my best friend, who's the most supportive best friend in the world and who cheered me all the way through this story. Credits for the title also go to her; if not for her, this fic would have been titled "Fuck you, JJ".
> 
> This story has now been edited by the amazing [CynicInAFishbowl](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CynicInAFishbowl/pseuds/CynicInAFishbowl). Her edits made the fic 500% better. All Quebec references belong to her; all the remaining mistakes are still mine.

There’s never any confusion for JJ, because Yuri’s first text says, “Beka save me!”

JJ has no idea what Plisetsky needs to be saved from (they’re at the banquet and Yuri’s talking to Nikiforov and Katsuki in the corner, nothing out of the ordinary), but, although JJ’s a little drunk (it’s about an hour into the banquet), he’s pretty sure he’s not ‘Beka’. 

“Wrong number,” he replies. “But let me know if I can help.”

“Fuck no, you’re as bad as them,” texts Yuri, and glares at JJ across the room. Isabella notices the glare, and, the amazing fiancée that she is, gives JJ a comforting kiss. 

Another text from Plisetsky comes right away: “No, wait, you’re worse.”

Five minutes later Altin shows up and drags Yuri outside, claiming urgent business. JJ has no idea why everyone goes along with that after the stunt the two just pulled on the ice, but he figures since Plisetsky got his rescue and no one is particularly upset with that, he can go back to charming his own sponsors.

He forgets all about that until several days later, on December, 31, he gets “Have a great year!”, and after a minute, “Not you, you have a terrible year and enjoy your upcoming eternal sixth place!”

He shows it to Isabella, she gives him a hug and then texts Yuri, “You’re such a mean boy!” 

“Get lost, hag!” Plisetsky answers, and then, “Happy New Year, idiots.”

That’s probably as nice as he gets. 

***

“Зачем я продался в рабство Барановской?” demands another text from Yuri three days later, and then, “Кто вообще работает третьего числа?? Все пьют еще!” 

JJ Google Translates both texts. The first one says, “Why did I sell myself into the slavery of Baranovskaya?” and that makes as much sense as a Google Translate text ever does, but when he copy-pastes the other, he gets, “Who generally works the third number? Everyone drinks more,” which probably isn’t what Yuri meant at all. 

He sends, “That bad, eh?” and hopes that he caught the meaning at least half right.

“Fuck, not you again,” is all Yuri has to say.

“Why did he sell himself to slavery?” JJ texts Altin, because he can.

“Because Viktor’s an ass,” comes a swift reply that means Altin already received Yuri’s misplaced message. Otabek’s answer doesn’t explain anything at all, but it’s not like JJ was really looking for explanations. If he were, he’d probably ask why everyone drinks more and “works the third number”.

***

“So gross!” Yuri complains during the European Championship.

“What’s gross?” JJ asks, and braces himself for, 'Your face,' or something equally Plisetsky.

“Viktor’s program,” Plisetsky explains.

Victor’s routines after his comeback are unprecedented, even for him. Technically they’re far from flawless, a nine-month long gap in training is still quite evident, and so is Victor’s age, but there’s so much feeling, so much joy in his skating that, watching him, JJ comes to an uncomfortable realization that, although he’s not about to resign himself to the sixth place like Plisetsky wished him, there’s a chance he might not get any gold once Victor’s fully back on track.

“I think it’s pretty sweet,” he has to admit. It’s not just sweet, it’s breathtaking and groundbreaking, almost like Katsuki’s Eros, but this is Yuri he’s talking to.

“Fuck." Yuri sends, in two consecutive messages. "You.” 

Yuri wins the Europeans, Victor gets silver and Chris takes the bronze. JJ congratulates all of them, gets a heart emoji from Chris, a polite “Thank you!” from Victor (probably sent by Katsuki), and no reply from Plisetsky. He’s not surprised. 

On exhibition, Plisetsky skates the same crazy thing he did for GPF, minus Altin, plus some actual clothes. It looks like a compromise of some sort, but Victor skates his own exhibition alone, too, so probably it’s just that this time no one felt pressured to impress.

***

When he gets a random, “Yeah,” “Nah,” “Dunno,” “Maybe,” or anything that looks like it might mean that in Russian, he just forwards it to Otabek without comment. Otabek always replies with a single, “ty.”

***

During the practice at the Four Continents he gets three pictures of the same cat (probably Yuri’s). Two minutes after the cat pics he gets a “Not you!” and Otabek’s phone dings. 

He still reciprocates the next morning with six pictures of random dogs: four of them he takes in the park next to his hotel (he may or may not have gone to the park for his morning run just to look for dogs to take the pictures), and the other two Isabella takes on her way to get coffee. They get “FYVM” for that.

All through the Four Continents, Otabek seems to be getting a lot of texts. He doesn’t smile, exactly, because in all the years JJ’s known Otabek he’s never really smiled, but this time it’s a damn near thing. JJ also knows for a fact that Altin used to hate texting, and now he never parts with his phone. 

JJ beats Otabek to bronze by three points, but that’s mostly because of Otabek’s lower base score; his execution has never been better, and his presentation is stunning. Katsuki finally wins, because it’s high time he did, and Phichit gets silver. 

***

A few days after the Four Continents end, JJ gets a picture of a toy tank with a kitten inside it, and a text that reads “С праздником!”. Google Translate says it means “Happy Holidays!” so he he asks, “What’s the holiday?”

“Kill JJ day,” texts Yuri and sends a picture of a kitten with a rifle.

***

“Happy birthday!” JJ sends on Plisetsky’s birthday, and before Yuri can reply (not like JJ’s expecting a reply), asks, “Does your boyfriend know you’re now legal in your country?”

“Fuck you!” No scores for originality there.

***

“The fuck, you make it look so easy,” comes another misplaced text the very next day.

“That’s because I’m that awesome,” JJ brags, and then asks, “What am I so good at?”

“Fuck, not you,” is predictable, but just a tiny bit disappointing.

“Huh, what can Altin do that you can’t?” JJ’s seen them both on the ice, perhaps hundreds of times. Altin’s good, but no one short of Katsuki, Nikiforov or JJ himself can rival Plisetsky. 

“Ride a motorcycle,” admits Plisetsky, and really? How hard can it be to ride a bike?

“Get a car,” JJ suggests.

“I’m 16 not 18, I can’t get a licence yet. And I got a motorcycle and driving lessons for my birthday, anyway.” 

“You mean to say that in your country you’re old enough to fuck but not old enough to drive?”

“Whatever.”

“Also, your parents are kind of awesome, giving you a bike for your 16th. Mine kept lecturing me how dangerous it is, the hypocrites.”

“Fuck you, I don’t have ‘parents’. My mother sent me an ugly-ass scarf and didn’t even bother to show up to give it in person. The bike’s from Viktor, the lessons from Yakov.”

JJ had no clue about Yuri’s family; he’s not sure what to say to that. He has a hard time imagining what it’s like for other skaters to train under someone who doesn’t care for them as much as his Maman et Papa care for him; the fact that Yuri doesn’t have parents to support him at all is impossible to wrap his mind around.

“I’m sorry,” he sends.

“Fuck you,” he gets in return, and at least that’s familiar.

***

“Is it really so hard to ride a bike?” He texts Otabek a couple of hours later, when he finds he’s still curious. He really never did get to try that.

“Have you seen what’s the weather like in St. Petersburg today?” Otabek replies, and of course JJ hasn’t. He googles “weather, st.petersburg russia” and gets -1°C, heavy wind, snow with rain, and multiple warnings for black ice.

“He doesn’t do anything halfway, does he?”

“Lilia’s already banned the bike until spring,” Otabek reassures him.

“Technically, it’s already spring,” JJ comments.

“Please, don’t tell him that,” Altin begs. 

***

“Нет, это Яков сказал,” comes a cryptic message just before the Worlds. It starts with a “No”, so it’s obviously a reply to something JJ’s not a part of. JJ doesn’t bother googling a translation, just forwards it to Otabek and then replies to Yuri, “I don’t know what that was, but I’m sure it wasn’t for me.” In Québécois, because he can.

“Шозанах,” replies Yuri, and Google doesn’t know that one.

“What does “шозанах” mean?” He texts Victor.

“It means you’ve been talking to Yurio,” Victor replies, helpfully. “Might not be good for your sanity.” 

He’s probably right, and JJ texts, “It’s too late for my sanity. What does that mean?”

“It’s good to see you so in touch with your weaknesses,” Victor teases, and then explains, “It means ‘what the fuck’ and I don’t want to know what you did to bring that on yourself, even if it was nothing.” 

“It was literally nothing,” JJ insists.

***

At Worlds, Plisetsky takes gold, Katsuki gets silver and Altin, who’s tuned up his program this time, gets bronze. Nikiforov doesn’t medal, but still looks and acts like he did at least twice. JJ gets fifth place, one point behind Nikiforov, and Giacometti doesn’t look like he’s even a little fazed by coming sixth. 

People begin to talk that once Nikiforov is back in his full form, with Katsuki, Plisetsky, Nikiforov and Altin there, they’d be setting an entirely new level of competition, and everything better than seventh is going to be as good as medaling. JJ can’t say he’s okay with that; next year’s GPF he’ll give them the run for their money.

Plisetsky and Altin skate separate exhibitions (Plisetsky’s outfit is, once again, a relatively sensible one, while his choreography still isn’t), but Nikiforov does join Katsuki on the ice, to everyone’s, except Yuri’s, delight. 

***

When he gets an adorable picture of Katsuki sleeping and drooling on someone’s (presumably, Victor’s) shoulder, captioned, “What a dork,” JJ doesn’t hesitate to text Kenjiro.

“What do I get for an exclusive photo of Katsuki sleeping?”

“That 2015 poster you’ve been ogling and my firstborn,” comes Minami’s immediate reply.

“Deal,” he texts back. He hasn’t been ‘ogling’ the poster. He just looked at it longingly, on two separate occasions. Absolutely platonically, for research purposes, Isabella can confirm. It’s a limited edition.

A few minutes later (Yuri’s already sent his, “Fuck, not you again, delete this NOW”), however, he gets another text from Minami: “Wait. Did he consent? To someone taking the picture?”

There go the poster and Kenjiro’s hypothetical offspring.

“Dunno,” he replies.

“How can you not know? Wait, how did you get the photo, you’re in Canada and he’s in Russia???”

“Plisetsky,” JJ replies, and already knows what the next text is going to be.

“That’s a no to consent, then. Sorry, no deal.”

JJ loves his JJ Girls, he really does, they’re amazing and adorable and perfect and they love him so much. But sometimes—

“Can we swap fans?” He texts Katsuki.

Katsuki answers with, “???”

“Fans,” he types. “You take mine. I get yours.” Then he realizes something and hurries to add, “You keep your fiance, though, and I keep mine.”

“Don’t drive drunk,” Katsuki texts. Figures.

***

“Screw you, I’m sixteen, not six,” claims Yuri in the middle of April.

“You look like you’re four,” replies JJ and does his best not to think what the two have been arguing about.

“And you look like you’re an asshole,” texts Yuri, naturally.

“..and act like you’re three,” JJ finishes, satisfied. 

The “Fuck you!” he gets in reply feels like a trophy.

***

JJ constantly wonders what Plisetsky saved him and Otabek as, since he’s confusing them all the time.

***

“Have you ever wanted to draw a dick for an autograph?” It’s five in the fucking morning, and Plisetsky is very lucky that JJ has an early photoshoot.

“All the time,” he confesses. “But if you tell anyone, I’ll deny everything and make counter-accusations.”

“Not you again,” Yuri texts, and ten minutes later, “Beka says he hasn’t. Is he for real?”

***

On May, 2 he wakes up to a succession of pictures of a train station (it could be Leningradsky in Moscow or Moscovsky in St. Petersburg, or both, because it’s impossible to tell them apart), a Moscow metro station, and a plate of pirozhki. There are four pictures of the plate.

“Looks delicious,” he texts.

“They’re all gone now,” Plisetsky answers. “We shall mourn the loss.”

“Also, wrong number again,” arrives almost an hour later. 

***

One day near the middle of May, it’s “I think I’m in love with you,” and he really, really hopes this one isn’t meant for him either.

He checks the time. It’s three in the morning in St. Petersburg.

“Go to bed, Yuri,” he texts, and gets a “Fuck you!” which is definitely for him.

Well after midnight (midnight for JJ, which is morning in St. Petersburg) he gets a panicked, “OMG I’m NOT in love with YOU no fuck you bloody fuck!”

“Apology accepted,” he types, and then a curious, “Did you get to text him?”

“Fuck no thank fuck for that,” Yuri replies, and then, “We’re never talking about this ever again or I’ll behead you with your own skates!”

***

At the end of May, he gets, “Бека позвони Вите я хочу домой,” Google Translates it (“Becka Call Vite I want to go home,” according to Google Translate), checks the time (it’s half past midnight in St. Petersburg) and dials Victor. He gets a sleepy Katsuki instead, but once he’s explained about the text, sleep is gone from Yuri’s voice, and JJ hears a panicked “We’ll call you back” before Katsuki hangs up. 

An hour later Nikiforov calls him and says that Yuri’s all right, he just got drunk with a couple of his classmates, celebrating the end of his school year (JJ didn’t even know Yuri went to school, he presumed he’d dropped out, like most skaters), and, apparently, it made sense in his intoxicated mind that if he didn’t want Victor to figure out how drunk he was, he had to avoid talking to Victor on the phone.

In the morning (probably afternoon for Yuri) he gets a “Thanks,” and that’s a first.

***

As soon as he'd had the time after the tank kitten text, JJ did some thorough research on Russian holidays. It was too late for International Women’s Day by then, but he patiently waited for the first of June to text Yuri a “С Праздником!”

He gets a middle finger emoji for all of his hard work.

***

“У вас что, правда уже виноград созрел?” and an attached picture of a price tag on what looks like a bag of grapes comes the next day. One of the words on the tag looks like “Kazakhstan”.

JJ forwards it to Otabek, and then habitually Google Translates the question. Google says, “Do you really have the grapes already ripe?” That makes sense.

“Should you even be eating grapes?” he asks Yuri, “They’re, like, 500% glucose.”

“Shut up, Lilia,” comes Yuri’s reply.

***

“Do you think I should tell him?” Comes a text in English in early June.

“Tell who what?” JJ asks and doesn’t expect an answer.

“Tell Beka. You know what. He’s coming to train with Yakov for six weeks, starting July.” JJ’s glad he had enough sense to hesitate before forwarding the first text to Otabek.

“Honesty is the best policy,” he answers and pretends he’s not overjoyed that this time Plisetsky’s text was actually meant for him.

“Fuck you too,” comes Yuri’s reply, and yeah. That one is for him without a doubt, and he mentally adds it to his swiftly growing collection of fucks. 

***

“А кто будет жаловаться на жару в июне, получит лыжами по морде,” texts Yuri two days later, followed by a picture of a dandelion-decorated snowman.

Google Translate says, “And who will complain about the heat in June, will get skis in the face.”

“???” he asks Otabek after forwarding it to him.

“It’s +3 and snowing in St. Petersburg,” Otabek answers, and it’s funny how he assumes JJ already knows what the text said.

“So, you’re still banned from your bike?” He teases Yuri. 

“Fuck you, I’m taking my exam in two weeks,” Yuri replies.

“Good luck,” JJ texts and means it.

***

“Бекаааа, ты спишь?” A text from Yuri demands about a week later, and JJ should probably be bothered by the fact that he doesn’t need Google Translate to know that Yuri’s asking Otabek if he’s asleep. Or if he sleeps. 

JJ puts his bet on the first version and, after checking time zones (it’s two in the morning in Astana), answers, “He’s asleep, I’m not.”

He gets a middle finger emoji for his collection, and then, almost immediately, “Wait, how do you know?”

“I know time zones, Yurio,” he replies, and, inevitably, gets, “Don’t call me that, придурок!”

“Good night, Yuri,” JJ types and gets back to where Isabella’s picking the icing for their wedding cake. 

***

“Congrats, asshole,” comes a text at their wedding reception. 

They’ve been trying to keep it small, but ‘small’ in JJ’s world means not all world’s celebrities are invited. It doesn’t mean there wasn't a livestream of the ceremony.

“Thanks, princess,” he texts back, and Isabella shows him her own phone, where the message from Plisetsky reads, “Please accept my deepest condolences!”

Otabek sends him his polite congratulations, and JJ can’t help asking him, “And you, have you bought a ring yet?”

A confused, “For whom?” confirms JJ’s suspicions that Yuri didn’t take his advice on honesty. Those two, really. After last year’s exhibitions one might think they were already at it.

“Nvm,” he replies, and, because he’s not, in fact, trying to be an ass to Plisetsky (or, at least, not that much of an ass), adds, “I thought you were someone else. Thanks, Altin!”

Minami sends them that poster as a wedding gift. Sometime since JJ last saw it, Kenjiro managed to get Katsuki to sign it. Isabella hangs it in the living room. She’s a JJ girl, and that means she appreciates beauty. And it’s autographed and a limited edition. 

***

“Have you ever been heartbroken?” Yuri asks a week later.

“Wrong number again?” He asks before forwarding, just in case.

“No, asshole. I’m asking you. Have you?”

No one’s ever asked JJ that question before. He’s JJ. Everyone assumes breaking hearts is his day job, and that no one would ever break his. That wouldn’t be JJ style.

“Yeah, I have,” he confesses. His amazing beautiful wife is sleeping beside him, and what was before her is now in the past. But no one who wasn’t his therapist ever asked, and he never volunteered to tell.

“Does it stop?”

“Kinda,” he types, then looks at Isabella, “Mostly.”

There’s no messages for several minutes, so JJ asks, “Why? Are you heartbroken?”

“Yes,” comes Yuri’s reply, and then, “No,” and, “Dunno.”

“Do you need help hiding the body?” He offers.

“Nah but ty,” answers Yuri, and then, “Night.”

JJ doesn’t need to check time zones to know it’s not night in St. Petersburg, but he still replies, “Night.” 

***

Next text, three days later, says, “If you kidnapped Katsudon, his fans will never forgive you.”

“I would if I could, but I couldn’t, so I didn’t,” replies JJ, followed by, “I have an alibi!”

The “Not you!” is expected. The “Beka was giving Katsudon a ride to the rink and they’re both missing,” that follows, isn’t. 

“Keep me posted,” JJ requests.

Half an hour later, he gets, “Beka’s bike broke and they didn’t think to let us know.”

JJ doesn’t know Katsuki all that well (he actually knows Katsuki’s fans better, for reasons which don't need exploring at this juncture), but that doesn’t sound right. “How long were they missing, again?” he questions.

“They were supposed to be here at eight!” Yuri complains, and JJ look at the clock and makes a quick calculation. He was right. The kidnapping suspicion arose when Altin and Katsuki had been missing for fifteen minutes.

“You need to chill,” he suggests.

“You need to fuck off,” Yuri offers.

***

In the morning after the assignments JJ wakes up to a long text in Russian. By now, he knows just enough Russian to tell that not a single word of that text is appropriate for mixed company. Or for any company, for that matter.

“You might want to rephrase that before you send it to the right number,” he texts, and then opens the assignments. 

His own assignments aren’t that bad at all: he’s going to Moscow and Beijing, and gets to face Nikiforov and Altin at Rostelecom and Giacometti, Nikiforov and Minami in China. The only downside is that the Cup of China, his second assignment, is the third competition this year, and he’ll have to just sit patiently and wait for the other three to finish, without being able to influence the outcome in any way. He knows that’s going to be frustrating, but in the end that just means he has to perform spectacularly in Moscow and Beijing, to ensure no one can catch up with him. That’s easy. 

Yuri’s assignments, however, perfectly explain his frustration. He doesn’t get to compete against Nikiforov until the final — and everyone and their deafblind grandmother knows by know how badly Plisetsky wants to face Nikiforov with their new programs. That alone would be enough to reduce Plisetsky to swearing, but on top of that, he doesn’t share a single competition with Altin. Otabek’s Rostelecom and NHK both come right before Yuri’s Canada and France, which means — yeah, that means Yuri probably won’t be able to tag along to cheer for Altin. 

“I can see why you’re upset,” JJ texts. He knows what’s about to follow and doesn’t pretend not to enjoy it as he shares the texts with Isabella.

“I’m not bloody upset what the fuck I’m fucking mad that’s such bulshit you’re such a fucking moron why the fuck would I be upset,” he receives less than a minute later. Then, “I’m fucking furious.” Then, “Who the fuck designed that randomizer, it’s fucking screwed,” and then, “I’m coming to Moscow, anyway, to see you fail.”

Yeah. That’s definitely the only reason.

“I won’t fail,” JJ replies, “But you’re welcome to watch me beat your bf!”

Victor will probably beat them both, but what the hell.

***

“Katsuki’s new short program isn’t half as gross as Viktor’s.”

The text comes from Altin, forwarded from Plisetsky’s number.

“Are you sure this one was meant for me?” he asks, suspiciously, because that hasn’t happened before.

“I saw Katsuki’s program,” Otabek replies. “Yura knows I don’t think either of them is gross.”

“I’m pretty sure I won’t either.”

“And I’m pretty sure Yura wants to hear all about it.” ‘And I don’t’ is rather loudly implied, so JJ shuts up and texts Yuri.

“If ‘gross’ is your word for for ‘romantic’, their now-shared fanbase is going to be deeply disappointed,” he texts Yuri. Minami’s been sending him links to dozens of speculations of how Yuri Katsuki and Victor Nikiforov are going to keep showing their love to the whole world in their upcoming season.

“Gross is my word for gross,” Yuri claims.

“Your boyfriend doesn’t seem to agree,” JJ taunts.

“What the fuck, did you befriend Beka behind my back?!” Yuri demands, and then a few seconds later, “He’s not my boyfriend, stop calling him that.”

“Otabek and I have known each other for years,” he admits. Otabek is one of the few fellow skaters who never acted like he can barely tolerate being in the same room with JJ, instead treating him the same grim, barely polite way he treats everyone else. He appreciates that.

“Do you want him to be?” He continues taunting when Yuri doesn’t reply.

“Who? What?”

“Otabek. Your boyfriend.”

“Fuck you.”

“Because if you do, you should do something about it,” JJ urges, then pauses to think, and adds, “Unless he actually did break your heart. In which case, my offer still stands.”

“One more word and it’s your body I’ll be hiding,” Plisetsky informs him, and JJ decides it’s prudent to shut up for the time being.

***

Three days later it’s, “I’m not coming to practice, tell Yakov to fuck off.”

“Are you okay?” JJ asks, because he’s pretty sure you don’t get to be a GPF gold medalist on your senior debut by randomly skipping practice.

“Fine,” Yuri replies.

“I won’t call Yakov, he’s scary.”

“Fuck you.” 

He does call Yakov, just to learn that Otabek already has it covered. Yakov is very polite with him and thanks him for looking after Yuri. One phone call is hardly “looking after” anyone, but JJ says, “Of course,” anyway.

***

In a few days, he gets a “Fuck you!” out of nowhere. He can’t say he’s surprised.

“Back at you. What did I do?” He asks.

“Not you,” is unexpected. “I might need to take you up on that hiding the body thing, after all.”

“Sure, any time. What did he do?”

“Nothing! That’s the point!”

“Oh, that I can get. I, too, have been occasionally getting death threats from you for doing nothing.”

“No, you always deserve it.”

“Did you just tell me he doesn’t?” He did walk right into it, didn’t he?

“Fuck you. Fuck him.”

“C’mon, what’d he do?”

He doesn’t expect an answer, but still gets it.

“We kind of fooled around last night.”

“Okay.”

“When I say ‘fooled around’ I mean ‘I got smashed and threw myself at him’”

“Not okay.” JJ gets flashbacks to doing the same thing at seventeen, and seriously ponders the best ways to hide a body in St. Petersburg.

“Fuck you.”

“You, too. What happened?”

“That’s the thing! Nothing happened! I think I fell asleep on him, and then woke up in bed, still clothed, and Beka’s sleeping on the couch! He fucking carried me to the bed and went to sleep on the couch!”

JJ thinks that if he’d been shown the same consideration when he himself was barely legal in his country, the whole heartbreak part of his biography might not have taken years of therapy to get over. 

“I’m not helping you hide the body,” he decides.

“What are you good for, then?”

“For hiding bodies of people who deserved it?”

“Fuck you.”

JJ sighs, because he never expected to ever give this talk to anyone, let alone the Russian Punk, but it’s too late to back off now.

“Plisetsky,” he types. “When you’re an adult, and a barely legal teenager throws himself at you, it’s not a good idea to take him up on it without at least talking first. When you’re sober, and a drunk guy throws himself at you, it’s sure as hell not a good idea to take him up on it, period. When you’re both and he’s both, doing anything other than what Otabek did would make you a bad person.” He came to that conclusion with the aid of dozens of therapy sessions, but Yuri doesn’t need to know that.

“Fuck. When the fuck did you become a fucking adult?”

Sometime in the past two years, JJ doesn’t say. “Where are your fucking adults, anyway? Don’t you live with Yakov and Lilia? What did they have to say on all of this?” He asks instead.

“Fuck, they have no idea, what the fuck. Beka’s looking after Makkachin and housesitting for Viktor, he and the pig fucked off to be gross in Thailand for the week. We’re at Viktor’s.”

“I think you should just go talk to him,” JJ suggests, and then adds, “Probably don’t start with a “fuck you,” if you want it to go well.”

“Fuck you!”

JJ scrolls up and counts all the “Fucks” he received today.

He learns that Yuri probably followed his advice, for once, when he gets, “Thank you, Leroy, you’re a good friend,” from Otabek a few hours later.

“So are you,” he replies, and tomorrow he’ll have to tell his therapist that that whole encounter was therapeutic. 

***

When he gets a “Luv u,” he forwards it to Otabek, texts back a heart emoji, and then shows it to Isabella. 

She texts Yuri, “Hands off my husband, you lil’ shit!”

For that, they get a pair of matching, “Fuck you both!”s 

***

“Молока купи,” comes two days later, and it’s so adorably domestic that he forwards it to Otabek followed with another heart emoji.

It's only upon getting, “спс,” from Otabek instead of his usual “ty,” that it hits JJ that he didn’t need Google Translate to know that Yuri’s text meant “Buy milk,” and the Otabek’s was a Russian equivalent of “ty.” He considers deleting his iTalki account and disposing of witnesses. 

***

He knows that Yuri and Otabek’s free reign of Victor’s apartment is over even before Victor’s fifteen tweets about his dog, when he gets, “В моей смерти прошу винить Лилию Барановскую,” and Google Translate confirms JJ’s insight that Yuri asks to blame Lilia Baranovskaya for his untimely demise. He forwards it to Otabek and Otabek sends him the, “If I die, please blame Lilia and hide her body,” that was originally meant for JJ.

“What did she do?” JJ asks Otabek, and sends, “Is she even mortal?” to Yuri at the same time.

“Told him he screwed up his schedule and promised to wake him up at 4:30 every morning until the Grand Prix,” Otabek explains.

“Fuck JJ, that would explain so much! She’s a ficking vampire!” That one is from Yuri.

JJ texts Otabek, “That’s rough,” and Yuri, “Buy some garlic.”

***

“WHYYYY is he flirting with Katsuki?” Yuri asks a few days later.

“Everyone flirts with Katsuki. It’s adorable when he doesn’t notice and hilarious when Victor does,” JJ explains. Then pauses, thinks again, and adds, “But I think Otabek’s the only one who doesn’t do that. I’ve never seen him flirt with anyone who isn’t you.”

“That’s not true! He SMILED at him!”

That’s a serious accusation.

“Are you sure you weren’t standing behind him?” he asks, and gets, “Shut the fuck up!”

***

“He smiled at him again! JJ what the fuck!!”

It’s the fourth time Yuri complained that Otabek is too friendly with Katsuki. There haven’t been any jealous Twitter outbreaks from Victor, so JJ assumes it’s all in Yuri’s head, because Victor? Victor would definitely take notice of something like that.

“Yuri, you’re my friend and I love you, but when the fuck did you decide I’m in a three-way relationship with you and your boyfriend?” he asks, a little annoyed.

“Fuck, gross,” Yuri answers, and then, “Since when are we friends?” 

That’s a good question. JJ isn’t sure how to answer it, so he settles on, “Since you’ve been texting me for months?” 

“You have very low expectations for friendship, seeing how most of those texts weren’t even for you,” claims Yuri, and JJ realizes he’s right. 

He actually started calling the thing he has with Yuri “friendship” when Yuri bumped into him on Worlds and said, “Hi!” instead of, “Fuck you,” even though the “Fuck you” still followed. JJ doesn’t have many friends. He has fans, rivals, family, even some followers on his top-secret Tumblr account — but having a friend he hasn’t met online under an assumed name is kind of new. Isabella was his only real friend for a long time.

“You’re friends with Nikiforov, who are you to judge?” He retaliates. 

“Nikiforov isn’t friends, he’s family,” Yuri texts.

“You’ve been watching too much Guardians of the Galaxy,” JJ mocks.

“Fuck you.” Of course.

***

The fifth time JJ gets a complaint about Otabek flirting with Katsuki, he decides that if Yuri dragged him into his relationship with Altin, turnabout’s fair play, and shows the text to Isabella. 

She takes out her own phone and types, “You’ve been texting my husband for six months, he got two love confessions from you and 97 “Fuck you’s,” most of them in the middle of the night. Should I be worried?”

“Fuck you, too,” she gets, and Isabella promises to print that and hang it, framed, right next to the poster in the living room.

After that, Isabella somehow takes over dealing with Yuri’s jealous fits, and JJ sighs with relief. 

***

His relief lasts right until Isabella buys a poster of Yuri in his last year’s Allegro Appassionato costume and puts it on the wall. The same day JJ gets, “You don’t deserve that woman,” from Plisetsky and regrets every decision in his life.

She used to have a poster of JJ in her bedroom. Romance is so dead.

***

Katsuki comes with Victor to Rostelecom, but Plisetsky isn’t there. When his short program is about to begin, Victor still keeps looking around, like he’s waiting for someone, and JJ thinks he’s probably not the only one who’s disappointed not to see Yuri.

When Victor starts skating, Otabek takes the seat next to JJ’s and shows him his phone. A text from Yuri says, “See, gross!”

JJ raises a brow at him questioningly, and Otabek replies, “You’re the one who’s watching it in person for the first time.”

“It’s still not gross.”

Otabek hums. His phone buzzes, and when Otabek opens Yuri’s text, JJ can see, “Fuck, not you.”

“So, you get those, too?” He grins.

Otabek nods. “Every time.” 

Their phones buzz at the same time, JJ gets his, “See, gross,” and Otabek’s text says, “You’re still my favourite!”

“Those, I don’t get,” he complains, and types, “Definitely not gross,” to Yuri.

“I should hope so,” Otabek replies.

“Why isn’t he here, anyway?” JJ asks. “I thought he was going to cheer for you.”

“Fuck you,” he gets from Yuri.

“Traffic,” Otabek explains. “He was late for his train and had to take another. He’s in Moscow already, will be here any minute.”

They’re so busy discussing Plisetsky’s bad luck with transportation that they miss Victor’s fuck up, and only look up when the audience reacts, just in time see him get up and finish his routine — well enough, but still a bit unsettled. Victor’s score ends up high, but not Nikiforov high at all. 

Right when Otabek is about to step on the ice, Plisetsky finally rushes in, flushed and a little breathless, and practically falls over the railing, screaming, “Davai!” That makes Otabek smile a real smile — a sight so rare that if JJ were a judge, he’d give him points just for that. 

JJ skates last, and replaces one of his triples with a quad, but the gold in Rostelecom cup still goes to Altin. JJ beats Nikiforov, though, even though he, too, fucks up at his free program, so it’s not all bad.

***

“The fuck is wrong with Nikiforov?” JJ asks Yuri when Victor fucks up again in China.

“He had to pull rank on Katsuki to make him go to Japan until NHK instead of China with Victor,” Plisetsky explains, “Katsudon fucking cried, it was pathetic.”

“Why would he do that?” Cup of China is right between Katsuki’s Skate Canada and NHK, but surely Victor would want Katsuki to be there to support him? JJ can’t imagine wanting Isabella to skip his competition.

“Fuck if I know, fuck if I care,” Plisetsky replies. 

Victor’s free program goes a little better than his short, but Giacometti still beats him by three points. JJ gets bronze, but his overall score looks quite good.

***

Minami drags him and Isabella to Osaka to see Katsuki. They’ve never done that before — going to a competition he’s not a part of, just to see another skater’s program in person — but Isabella likes Osaka, and JJ still kind of owes Minami for that poster. 

He finds it’s very liberating, to just sit there in the crowd and watch, without having to worry about his own scores. It might be the first time he really enjoys watching other people skate, without hectically calculating last-minute adjustments to his own routines.

Nearing the end of Popovich’s free program he gets, “ДАВАЙ!!!!” from Yuri, and, instead of forwarding it to Otabek, he walks up to him and shows him the text.

Evidently, that interaction gets on cameras, because after the reveal of Altin’s scores (five points below Katsuki, twelve above Popovich) he gets, “What the fuck are you doing there, asshole?”

“Studying the competition,” he replies.

“Then you’d better get your ass to Grenoble, I’ll give you competition,” Plisetsky demands. Kenjiro’s overjoyed when JJ and Isabella tell him they’re going to France to cheer for him and Plisetsky. 

After his spectacular free program Minami gets his first Grand Prix medal (bronze, a handful of points below Crispino), and claims that it’s because his friends were there to support him. “The asshole is nobody’s friend,” grunts the gold medalist, but almost smiles when Isabella gives him an excited hug and a kiss on the cheek.

***

GPF takes place in Canada, for once, and JJ’s happy to be home. The top-6 is absolutely unsurprising: Katsuki, Nikiforov, Plisetsky, Altin, Chulanont and himself. After Chris beat Victor in the Cup of China, everyone expected him get there instead of Chulanont, but he had a minor injury right before his free program at Skate America, so he had to drop out. He still tags along to the competition, and cheers with the rest of them for everyone now, even louder than Minami.

Katsuki gets gold, Nikiforov bronze, and Plisetsky manages to squeeze himself in the middle, three points below Katsuki and two above Nikiforov. JJ’s immediately given to understand that that is Unacceptable and next year he’ll Kill Them Both. 

***

“Why don’t they just fuck on the ice?” Comes when Katsuki and Nikiforov are skating Victor’s exhibition together, and Yuri’s supposed to be getting ready for his own part, but he’s obviously way too bitter to concentrate.

“What, like you did last year?” JJ reminds him.

“Fuck you.”

“Not me,” JJ finally gets to text. He came fifth, but he’s still on top of the world.

***

JJ doesn’t think twice when Isabella suggests to have an informal post-competition gathering at their place. He doesn’t really believe anyone will take them up on their invitation, but somehow, they all do.

In hindsight, he should have thought twice, because he’s so used to the posters in their living room that it doesn’t occur to him to remove them.

Kenjiro lights up with pride when he sees his gift on the wall, and Katsuki blushes so hard that it looks like he’s about to combust. Victor loudly complains that his poster isn’t there, but looks like he’s about to burst with some hard to identify, but definitely positive emotion. Phichit laughs and laughs and laughs and Chris congratulates them on their good taste (and then laughs). 

Otabek shares a look with Yuri and hands him the black Sharpie they used for autographs last night. 

Yuri draws a dick.

**Author's Note:**

> Details on the dubcon: when JJ was seventeen, he had drunk sex with his crush, and it didn't go well, although the exact details aren't specified. He has (again, unspecified) flashbacks to the encounter when he finds out that Otabek was much more of a responsible adult to Yuri than JJ's crush was to him.
> 
> Details on the underage drinking: Yuri is two years younger than the legal drinking age in his country. He gets drunk, but doesn't get into much trouble.
> 
> ***
> 
> Things you probably need to know about Russian holidays, to understand a small part of this fic: 
> 
> Russians don’t celebrate Christmas on December, 25, but instead they celebrate the New Year as the biggest holiday of the year, and usually have a week-long winter holiday from January, 1 to January, 8. All children and most adults have the week off, and stereotypically everyone’s supposed to be drinking all week.
> 
> February, 23 is a state holiday, Defender of the Fatherland Day (historically, the Soviet Army Day) which is generally celebrated as a holiday of every man in Russia, regardless of whether or not they served. Men usually get military themed postcards and stupid gifts on that day.
> 
> March, 8 is the "International Women’s Day", which is also a state holiday in Russia. It’s the women’s turn to get flower-themed postrards, overpriced flowers and stupid gifts.
> 
> June, 1 is "International Children's Day". Kids don’t usually get gifts or cards, and it’s not a state holiday, but everyone remembers to talk about children on that day :)
> 
> ***
> 
> It was “Ктоэтоблин” (“Who-is-it-damn”) and “Ктоэтоваще” (“Who-is-it-at-all”), dating back to Yuri’s first Junior gold, when, apparently, both JJ and Otabek texted their congratulations, but Yuri had no idea whose numbers those were. He keeps forgetting which one is which, but can’t be bothered to change those to actual names.


End file.
